Flicker Beat
by MsSweetSerialKiller
Summary: He gets the message, eventually. I don't love you.


It's strange, really.

He doesn't know where it came from or even when. Natasha and Bruce, Natasha and the Hulk, Bruce and Natasha, no version of it ever seemed right in his head. _He thought,_ _well it didn't matter what he thought now did it?_ But he can't help himself, he thought they were something, he didn't know what really but he liked the feeling of her up close to them, crouched beneath his shield trusting him to protect her. Or when she kissed him for the first time, he was startled, who wouldn't be? It was soft though, her lips were soft and they had a faint taste of strawberry, and yeah it wasn't the best kiss in the world but he was startled remember? You don't need practise.

She wasn't the most open person but he liked to think he knew her pretty well, well enough that he didn't have a problem opening up to her, she just made him talk, at first he thought she just had one of those faces you know, the ones that you know you can instantaneously trust with your deepest darkest secrets, but it wasn't until they had their mission together post New York that he realised it wasn't because looking at her made his ice ridden fears disappear, it was because she had demons too, just like him. He remembers vividly, he doesn't think that it'd ever be possible to for him to forget Natasha Romanoff ready to shoot him. She'd been shot with some sort of serum, he wasn't really listening when the SHIELD Doctor was explaining it to him, he was too busy staring at Natasha who looked dead. He remembers Clint bursting in, screaming at him, _what happened? _His face was nearly as ashen as Natasha's. He remembers explain it to him, telling him that it was his fault, that he had to neutralise her and he hadn't been easy about it. He avoids her for a month, she's up and running after about a week but he doesn't go near her, he doesn't deserve too, he could have killed her and that's the only thing that runs through his mind for a month, _you could have killed her_. She's not one for letting him off the hook though and she confronts him, two a.m. at his apartment. Truthfully he doesn't know how she got in; _he doesn't think he wants to know. _

"I'm going to speak and you're going to listen, silently." She gets off his couch coming to stand in front of him; he doesn't move an inch, his eyes still locked on hers.

"You did what you had to do; I don't blame you, so hey I got a few bumps and bruises, who hasn't in our line of work? Steve, if you hadn't knocked me out, I would have killed you, you know it. It's not your fault. I'm fine." She finished on a definite note, on a _'__don't give me any shit Rogers'_ note. It made him want to smile, it really did but he hurt her, he hurt his teammate and that didn't feel right so he stays quiet instead choosing to nod along. He takes a seat on the seat and she joins him. And then for some reason he just talks, he talks about Bucky and his parents, about how Captain America wasn't originally _Captain America_, about how much he wanted to do good in the world only to be rejected by very recruitment front. And then she starts talking back, she doesn't say much but she trust him enough to tell him, and that means a lot to him. Eventually they both fall asleep on the couch, her hand intertwined with his, head resting on his chest; he can't remember the last time he slept so peacefully.

Strangely enough, they don't chose to ignore it but they don't choose to talk about it either, every Tuesday night Natasha finds herself at Steve's door, usually he lets her in, some days she's there before he is so she lets herself in, either way both of them end up falling asleep on the couch. He doesn't remember when but one night they end up falling asleep in his bed. _It's ten times better than the couch. _

Then Bucky happens, he goes off without her and life doesn't feel right anymore. He knows it's the right thing to do, he wants to find Bucky, he needs to find him, he just wished he had Natasha at his side. Tuesday rolls around and he realises how much he misses her, he misses their talks, he misses walking into his apartment to see her sitting there waiting _for him_, he misses the smooth curve of her body against his, he misses the warmth. He just wants her and that's when he begins to realise that she's more to him than _just a friend_.

He ends up in a bar in Russia, drinking beer for the sake of it; he can't get drunk, not since the serum. He spots a flash of red, he wants to cry out, see if it's her but he thinks it better not to, it's been happening a lot lately, seeing her where she wasn't, at first it was the market in Oslo, and then the gas station off a highway in France, he thinks he imagined seeing her, five, six times? He stopped chasing the nameless strangers after his stop in Argentina. So he gets up and he's about to leave because he knows that he can't handle anymore disappointment.

"What? You're not even going to say hello. God Rogers, I can see your mother rolling in her grave already." She's grinning, ear to ear, it's a nice look. He wants to kiss her, but he stops himself because a bar in Munich is hardly the place, so he hugs her instead not bothering to contain his excitement.

They head back to the motel room he's rented; she immediately makes herself comfortable on the bed and he wastes no time in journey her, he doesn't other telling her that he's no closer to Bucky than he was two months ago because he figures he knows, just like she knows that searching for him is pointless.

"He'll come when he's ready Steve." She whispers.

"Yeah." He replies, fiddling with a strand of her hair.

They don't head back to SHIELD the next day, as he thought they would because they end up spending time together, Natasha has no problems showing him around. They have pancakes for breakfast, Steve tries not to grimace at the amount of syrup Natasha slathers over hers and needless to say breakfast does not end well because _being forced to eat a bed of pancakes in a sea of syrup is not a good breakfast. _

When they finally head back to SHIELD, everything changes. Natasha pulls away and he doesn't know why, whenever he attempts to catch her anywhere, she's gone before he makes it ten feet in front of her. He gets the message, eventually. _I don't love you._

_I don't love you. I don't love you. I don't love you._

It rings in his brain as he stares at her and Bruce, he tries to look away but he can't, he can't help but think how wrong it is, how wrong it all is, where did he go wrong? What did he do to push her away?  
He doesn't know, he doesn't think he knows anything anymore but he knows he loves her and he knows he wants her to be happy so he goes up to Bruce, telling him he'd be fool not to follow her, _because really he would, he knows._

_What did he do that was so wrong to you?  
Not a damn thing, she just doesn't know __**h o w **__**t o**__** l o v e.**_


End file.
